I am glad I can say I’ve been clear for some good long months, and I’m proud of saying my mind is such a better place to live in these past months, my body isn’t as bad as I thought it was. And I’ve changing all the things I don’t like about it. I’m happy I don’t feel that bad anymore. But still. The thing is, once you start self-harm, it’s never going to leave your mind. No matter how good you feel about yourself, it’ll be there. No matter how long you’ve been clean, it’ll be there. The thing is, even though we know it doesn’t help us, it’s a way we find to deal with the pain in a way that’s not specifically emotionally, that way we can feel the pain in our skin. We can feel what it’s like to be actually cutting your own skin and ripping it off. You feel like somehow, those cuts are a proof that you’re surviving, even if you don’t know how to keep going. Those scars, depending of how deep the cuts were, will be there forever. And every time you look at your deformed skin, it’ll cause you pain. Pain because you’ll remember how you felt the nights you did that to yourself. Pain from the overwhelming sensation of not being good enough not even for your own standards. The pain will be there. But I just hope that one day, when I look at my scars, I’ll feel the relief for somehow getting over that and facing my issues from a new perspective. But sadly, the thought of how simple it is to relapse and start it all over can drown you in the middle of the night and you might not get out of it again. You might not be able to fight anymore. Because you’ll be too weak and too tired. And that’s why I will always help other people with their emotional, mental and physical problems. Because I don’t want them to be where I was. Because I know we’re capable of making ourselves happy. Because we can fight our demons, but we cannot ever give up, we must keep on trying to make us feel better and happier. And then, one day, we’ll win.
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.